Our dreams say "we want to do this or go to this school or have this job..." Then when the bill hits and reality sets in....
Going through the college search with the oldest son.....his dad has him right now for visitation, and I just got off the phone with the dad and am so frustrated.......he is trying to be the dad he damn well should have been 10 and 12 years ago when he walked out the door on us. Not that I'm not a hell of a lot happier and better off now than I was then, believe me, my husband is the best in the world and if it weren't for the boys, I would wish we had always been together.....But now, when the boys are a senior and sophomore in high school, he tries to get me to think he suddenly knows what is best for these boys as far as their high school courses and college dreams and so on...
And what aggravates me the most is that he thinks he can get by with it.....he thinks he is holding all the cards and he has no cards to hold.....as I reminded him today, I am custodial and in charge of their education. I also reminded him that we have 5 kids and NONE of them are going to put our finances in jeopardy just to go to college. The kids know that....they all seem to understand that college is a heck of a lot more expensive now than it was when he and I went to school. We were fortunate (or not, depends on your viewpoint) to be able to go to school away from home. I went to school 4 hrs away from my folks and he, two. We worked and got student loans.....I don't know about him, but I finally paid mine off about 5 years ago, well past the 10 yr time frame. I am not going back into debt just to put my kids through school...It may sound selfish, but quite frankly, the money is not there in the foreseeable future. We are 3 1/2 yrs into a 30 yr mortgage, looking at having to get new (at least new to us) vehicles in the next couple years (if it can wait that long), and I'm sorry but his child support does not cover all it needs to cover.
So if I seem less than enthused about the fact that my oldest has picked colleges that are private and out of state then I'm sorry. But the reality is that scholarships and grants cannot just be yanked out of thin air. Great grades are not a guarantee of any financial help whatsoever. I had a 3.8 in high school and got NOTHING.....I begged for every dime of grant money I got....I went to school on part time jobs and loans......I put great rips in the fabric of the relationship between my parents and myself over my failure to pay back loans for which they had cosigned.....fortunately the rips were repairable. I do not want that for my kids.....I want them to have a future, and that entails post high school education, meaning college for their chosen goals, but they are going to have to do it the old fashioned way--if the money isn't there, then they have to work for it.
And contrary to what my ex thinks, I am not trying to hold my son back and piss on his dreams. I am trying to show him what reality is so that he may make an informed decision. I am not a stupid person....I do remember what it was like to be 16 and 17 and want to be your own person and be away from the rules of home, and so on......I really do sympathize with my son's wishes...
But I am also getting really tired already of being make out to be the bad guy...My ex has the kids for 5 weeks--this is near the end of the second, and he is already showing himself to be brainwashing them again.....and I am tired to death of being second guessed on every decision I have ever made concerning them......he even took it to the driving issue----the oldest should have a part time job this school year....I agree......my viewpoint is on Fridays and Saturdays, great....around the hours of mine and Ronnie's jobs, great...so the ex throws in that well he could get his license....I don't let teens drive---once they hit 18 that's one thing..i am not responsible for their decisions at that point.....I am also not paying for insurance for a 16 yr old boy...mine is high enough with no high risk factors on my record....my ex just doesn't seem to get it. I don't know if his folks took care of all that stuff while he was growing up or what....but I just don't feel he has a firm grasp on the reality of being responsible for the education and health and well being of a teenager....
But then again, why should he----he never had to be responsible for them except for visitation times while they were growing up, so now that they are almost grown, how would he know what they need or what is involved with them......
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